Who Wins and Who Loses

One of the most difficult, and most important, things for parents and coaches to remember is perspective. The simple question of what is really important, and how important an action is in the grand scheme.

Sports provide a safe, contained opportunity for children to learn and practice life lessons. Part of our jobs as parents and coaches is to create and encourage that development.

Too often, we get carried away in the moment and make choices that do not set the best example for our children.

Last week, my son had a baseball game. We are in week three of the season, and it was a regular Tuesday night game. According to the rules of our league, weeknight games for our division can last a maximum of 1 hour and 45 minutes because the 8, 9, and 10 year olds playing in the league need to get home, shower, eat, finish homework, etc., and it’s a school night. The spirit behind the regulation is that games start at 7pm, so they finish by 8:45, leaving a reasonable amount of time for kids to get home and get to bed and function well at school the next day. Good rule.

In the third inning, we were down by two. In the fourth inning, we came back and tied the game. The time: 8:39pm. The parents’ shoulders slumped when we realized the time constraints, but we started packing up our things commenting on the great comeback. But wait! The kids are back out on the field! The umpire explained that the coaches had reminded him we started the game a few minutes late, so we could get another inning in. The opposing team went up by two runs, and we came back with two runs of our own. The time: 8:55pm. Again, we go to gather our things, only to see the kids taking the field again. The parents cheer loudly, encouraging the kids as they go into the final tie-breaker. The other team goes up by two runs again. We match their two runs, and with two outs, bases loaded, one of our players hits a single to win the game. The kids pile on the hitter, the parents whoop it up in the stands, one parent promises pizza for the team at the next game for making the comeback.

Time when I got in my car: 9:18. Long past the 8:45 cut off.

Yes, it is a precious moment where the kids leave the field feeling like heroes.
But what is the other side? Did we, as parents and coaches, lose an opportunity to reinforce positive life lessons for our children?

What did we teach our children about rules? This would have provided a chance for adults to demonstrate that rules are in place for reasons, and even when they aren’t convenient, we follow them. The league rules do not state that weeknight games must end by 8:45 unless it’s a tie and the kids are having fun and it’s ok with the parents. They don’t state that it is up to the coaches and parents to decide whether to continue the game. The rule is cut and dry: games must end by 8:45pm on week nights. We showed our children that we obey rules when they benefit us, but try to bend them a little when they don’t work for us.

When the inning ended at 8:39pm, the umpire attempted to call the game. He was cajoled by coaches and parents who wanted the kids to play. Lesson the kids learned from this: it’s ok to go against the umpire if you have the support of others, and if you are nice about it, and he probably will cave. The next time a child disagrees with a call and challenges the umpire, who are we to tell him he was wrong?

We taught our children that the outcome of the game – the win/loss – was far more important than the work they did in all the innings up to that point. Parents and coaches put the emphasis on the outcome, who wins and who loses, rather than the fact that it was an exciting game where our team clawed its way back and never gave up. Is it that it doesn’t matter whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game?

We forgot the importance, or lack of importance, of the game in the context of life. Many kids had tests the next day or had homework to finish, and we showed them that in the end, baseball was more important. This regular season Tuesday night game mattered more than getting them home to finish homework or prepare for their day ahead. What mattered, in that moment, was the game.

We also overlooked the larger questions of liability and responsibility. If a child had gotten injured in those last two innings, would an insurance company be required to provide services? The league rules state the game is over at 8:45. This play extended beyond the time set out by league rules. Does an insurance company have grounds to refuse services? If a child was injured, do his representatives have the right to sue the coaches, the Board – there was a Board member at the game – and the Umpire for failing to end the game at the prescribed time?

There is also a question of retention of participants. Although all the parents appeared supportive at the time, I have had more than one parent tell me they did not return to a sport because, “They always run late.” If a parent believes a child traded the ability to do well in school the next day for a short-lived win on a baseball field, and that neither the coaches nor the Board took action to enforce the existing rules, they may hesitate to make the commitment again. When a Board member promises that week night games always end by 8:45, parents rightfully are skeptical.

In hindsight, perhaps the better option would have been ending at 8:39pm, praising both teams for fighting hard and hanging in there, congratulating the opponent on a game well played, sending the kids home on time to prepare for the next day.